You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
