I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
