Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
