Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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