Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
