They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
