Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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