I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
where are my eyebrows?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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