Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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