is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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