i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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