I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You are a genius and a whore.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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