the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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