I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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