im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
