i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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