What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
