just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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