Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize