when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
