I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
His nipple licking is glorious
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