Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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