I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
