I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he was CRYING into my vagina
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
