I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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