Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
