Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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