just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
