Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
