I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
