i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
