You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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