Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
