just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
