Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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