All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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