i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
