I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
