I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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