either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
