Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
