Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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