Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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