were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
