Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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