Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
