Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
i think i just lost a toe
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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