dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
