We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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