i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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