Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
