Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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