final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
