I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
