Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
