the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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