Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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