my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize