Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
