I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
